Expectancy vs. Expectations

I recently asked God how He wanted me to position my heart about my future marriage. His answer was to be expectant but not to have expectations. I argued with Him because the truth is it is easier to have an attitude of “oh someday I will be married and my dreams will come true.” But having a heart of expectancy makes me feel like it is immanent…like there is a date in time that has been scheduled for my Divine union with my spouse and it could be just around the corner. The truth is, God does have that date set…I just don’t know what it is yet. It is the uncertainty of the details that makes me uncomfortable. This requires me to exercise my faith, hope, and trust muscles.

The difference between expectancy and expectations

Let’s take a look at the difference between having expectancy and having expectations. This is how I like to define it.

Expectancy attracts what I believe God for through faith with a heart of surrender to the Lord to bring it about however He wants to. It is a steadfast faith that God will do what He says He will do in His perfect timing and in His perfect way.

Expectations, on the other hand, are a set of ideas that I have in my mind and if it does not go just as I have mapped out, frustration and disappointment tend to follow. Expectations can actually be a form of trying to control my circumstances.

I like to think of expectancy as holding my hands wide open in front of me and saying to God, I’m ready to receive what you have for me and to release whatever you want to take from me because You know best.

Expectations, on the other hand, invite a completely different picture to mind. It is me holding onto whatever is in front of me tight fisted, gritting my teeth and saying, this must be just the ticket to fulfilling the desires of my heart, I will hold onto the expectation in my heart tightly and will not let go. 

Most of the time when I am exercising my expectations instead of my faith and trust muscles; I truly don’t know if that one thing in front of me (e.g. dating someone I really like) will be just the ticket to fulfilling my dreams. I might think it is just the ticket…but that deep knowing is still lacking. I have been at this place many times in my life and unfortunately I cannot say I have been open handed about it always. It has been a difficult lesson to learn at times. Thankfully, more often than not, by God’s grace I have come to the place where I put my hope in Jesus Christ alone no matter what circumstance surrounds me. He is my prize, and He knows me better than anyone else. He knows what I need and whom I need as my spouse. Not only that, but He loves me enough to masterfully orchestrate a better love story than I could ever imagine. The same goes for you, friend.

It is in those times of uncertainty that I really want to grasp hold of something and so my inclination can be to try to control the situation through expectations. This only gives me a false sense of security because I think I know how it is all going to work out. Most of the time though, I am deceiving myself in a desperate effort to try to feel safe and secure in the unknown swirling about me. But having expectations can be dangerous. First, having expectations of others projects something on them rather than giving the other person freedom to be who they are and to make choices from a place of freedom instead of pressure. Second, when I try to control how someone responds to me, I am majorly disappointed when they don’t do something just how I want them to. The same goes with trying to manipulate a situation to my favor. This is all for the sake of wanting something so badly rather than wanting God's best in my life and/or the best for the person in front of me. Take it from someone who has experienced both sides of the coin, it is so much better to operate from a place of freedom, trust, and sweet surrender.

Some practical examples

Let’s take a look at some practical examples of what it looks like to be expectant but not have expectations. Please note, it is completely normal to have seasons of uncertainty in circumstances especially when you are trying to decide whom you want to spend the rest of your life with. There does come a time you receive the green light of grace and you know whom you are to be with without a shadow of a doubt.  Until then, sometimes we convince ourselves we know, but deep down, we do not. The following examples are assuming there is still uncertainty at hand.

Expectation: I’m going to get married by age 25.

Expectancy: I’m getting married in God’s perfect timing. It could be any day! In the mean time, I’m going to embrace life and live it to the full.

Expectation: My husband will be tall, dark, and handsome.

Expectancy: My husband will come in the perfect package God made him to be!

Expectation: I’m going to marry Joe. It’s evident he’s the only single guy around that I would consider, so it must be him. I just know he’s going to ask me out soon and the rest will be history. Better yet, maybe I'll ask him out just to nudge him forward...

Expectancy: I’m getting married to the love of my life! I don’t know who that is yet – but I trust God is big enough to bring us together and will let me know who it is when it’s time to know.

Expectation: I’m going to marry Joe because I’m head over heels for him!

Expectancy: I really like Joe and could see a future with him. It would be awesome if I end up with him. But it would be awesome if I don’t end up with him too because God knows best and is working for my best interest as well as his. If I end up with him, then praise God for dreams coming true! If I don’t, then praise God for saving me for whomever He has for me and for dreams coming true with the love of my life (whomever he is) instead! I’m so excited discover who my future husband is!

Expectation: When I meet the love of my life, I’m sure he will show up on my doorstep for our first date with my favorite flowers and talk about all the things that are on my heart. It will be like he’s actually reading my mind! It will be oh so romantic and memorable!

Expectancy: I’m going to get married! My true love could enter my life at any moment! God has written our story, and I’m so excited to see it unfold whatever that looks like!

Expectation: I better hold onto this person I’m dating even though I have some concerns because surely this is my last chance to find someone. I might as well be abandoned on a remote Island with no signs of human life if we were to break up. I’d better make this work no matter what.

Expectancy: I like this guy I am dating a lot but wonder about our compatibility in some areas. I know I am getting married. I just don’t know to whom yet. I trust God to show me and if he’s not whom God has for me, then I know that God will make it clear. I will be OK no matter how it turns out because God is working for my best interest and toward my desire to get married.

Do you see the difference? Expectancy does not give up on the dream; rather it holds it loosely with great anticipation and hope for God to bring it about in the best way possible. Expectation assumes it knows the best way to bring it all about and will take it into its own hands to make it happen if necessary.

Letting God hold your heart

The bottom line is that the best place to be is trusting God to hold your heart. How do you see God? Do you see Him as someone who operates out of lack and therefore is unable to orchestrate a way for your desires to be fulfilled? Or do you see Him as someone who operates out of abundance and therefore has and endless amount of possibilities to get you to your Divine destiny and to fulfill your dreams? How big is God to you? Do you believe He is bigger than the challenge in front of you? Do you trust Him to hold your heart and to help you navigate the best way to walk through any unknowns unto your dreams being fulfilled in the best way possible?

On this journey of embracing expectancy and releasing expectations, I have discovered that my job is to:

• be faithful with what I have been given (steward what is in front of me well),
• keep the faith (being confident in what I hope for and having assurance about what I do not see),
• trust God (depending on Jesus to bring His promises forth and to put my love story into motion),
• hold it all loosely (letting go of control so that God can mold my love story however He wants). 

This is what it looks like to have a heart positioned with expectancy yet remaining free of expectations. I can’t say I have this mastered, but I am learning to depend on God more and more each day. And when I try to take control again, I simply toss it back to God continuously surrendering my hearts desires knowing that the Lord can bring my dreams about in a way that is beyond my wildest imagination. In the meantime, I simply seek the face of Jesus and bask in His peace, love, and joy.

One of the theme scriptures God has given me on my journey of learning to trust Him is Matthew 6:26b. I am particularly fond of The Message version:  "Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds." Oh to be like birds – free and careless in the care of God. He is, after all, the best caretaker in the world. If he cares for the birds, how much more will he take care of us, His precious children? What he leads us to surrender, He will provide the grace and anything else we need to do so. And I believe that by doing so, it will turn out more beautifully than if we orchestrated it all ourselves.

Will you let the best Caretaker in the world hold your heart today?