To ask, or not to ask: "What's wrong with me?"

“What’s wrong with me?” It’s a question that often plagues singles that desire to be in a relationship and yet seemingly have no prospects. I have certainly asked this question before, and I have heard single friends entertain it. However, I have found in my experience that this question is not helpful and would be better off silenced. Sometimes there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me but I find myself making something up because I am grasping for a reason of why I am alone. After all, we humans are a curious sort and love to know the “why” behind a situation. At least I do. I personally think this question is straight from the pit of hell disguised in a cloak of false humility. On one hand, it is important to not overlook the things in us that are not right. But on the other hand, I have found this approach to be more harmful than helpful as it typically ends with me becoming self-loathing and attending my very own pity party. I ask, who in the world is that helpful for? Not me. Not anyone around me. It certainly isn’t going to help propel me in the direction I want to go or the destiny God has for me.

After many hard knocks in the school of self-pity, I finally adopted another approach. Mind you, I still have to choose to put the question “what’s wrong with me?” to silence. Unfortunately, it likes to keep knocking at my door. It is a choice every time. Having said that, it does get easier to recognize the better choice after choosing differently over time and experiencing the benefits of a different way.

This is my discovery of a better way. When I am wondering if there is an area in my life that might be not quite right, I pray Psalm 139:23-24. It says, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way.” Then I wait. 

I wait for the Holy Spirit to convict me of anything that has gone wrong in my approach to life. The beauty is that if there is something the Holy Spirit convicts me of, it comes packaged with the solution because I have asked for it. God’s desire is for me to discard any dross in my heart in order move forward and experience abundant life. Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. He takes joy in leading me in the everlasting way and as a result what was wrong becomes righted as I obey the Lord. I find once I pray these scripture verses and respond appropriately to God’s response to me, my perspective shifts back to understanding who I am and whose I am.  Knowing who I am and whose I am makes all the difference in the world. It is very powerful. When I know that I am a child of the King and that God is my Father, my spirit lives as if nothing is impossible with God.

Why do you think our identity is attacked? I think it goes back to the classic attempt from Satan to kill, steal, and destroy. If he can rob us of the abundant life, he will. If he can get us to think something is wrong with us, no one wants us, and we fall in the pit of despair, we are not going to be quick about getting up and making the most of life in the season of singleness we have been given. In reality, singleness is a gift. There are so many opportunities to serve God, to serve others, and to live abundantly in a different way than when you are married. God intends us to make the most of whatever season we find ourselves in, and He is the one that numbers our days. Sometimes we don’t get to know the “why” behind our seemingly endless days of singleness. If that’s the case, we have to trust God that the “why” isn’t relevant to us right now. What matters is that we make the most of it and focus on what God wants us to focus on. As we focus on what God hi-lights for us, we will move forward.

Kris Vallotton, one of the pastors at Bethel Church in Redding, has an outstanding message about Nehemiah. In that message, he shares the five symptoms that show you that you are under assault. Attacks on your identity, motive, relationship with God, ability to accomplish the mission God has given you, and the quality of life in ministry. 

I find it interesting that the number one thing that Satan assaults is our identity. Kris goes onto say in his message, "When you know who you are and whose you are, you've pretty much won the battle. Jesus was lead by the Holy Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil and the first thing that was attacked was his identity. Have you ever wondered - is this God that lead me into the wilderness or is this the devil's doing? The answer is yes. God wants you in the wilderness and so does the devil. Jesus went into the wilderness by the leading of the Spirit and left with the power of the spirit."

Are you in a wildness moment, my friend? If so, take heart! You can leave it in victory and with the power of the Holy Spirit! Whenever I find myself in a wilderness moment, I stop and ask God to give me a reality check. I ask Him, “who am I and whose am I?  What do you want me to focus on?” These are the questions that propel me forward toward the purposes and plans God has for me. You see, true royalty knows they are already chosen and as a result can show others the goodness of God without a trace of jealousy and with a heart illuminated by God’s love.

“But you are the ones chosen by God, chosen for the high calling of priestly work, chosen to be a holy people, God’s instruments to do his work and speak out for him, to tell others of the night-and-day difference he made for you—from nothing to something, from rejected to accepted.”
~ 1 Peter 2:9-10 (MSG)

You are already chosen and loved beyond measure, friend. You are God’s masterpiece. He created you, and He doesn’t create trash. Your value is not determined by your romantic relationship status. Make the most of this season and share the good news of God’s goodness with whoever is hungry to hear about Him.  As you stand firm in your God given identity, operate from a place of being chosen, and know without a doubt that nothing is impossible with God, I wouldn’t be surprised if God’s promises collide with you as you simply obey him and go about your daily activities. Get ready for an explosion of God’s goodness! His ways are perfect.