Is Grief a Gift?

“The tears…streamed down, and I let them flow as freely as they would, making them a pillow for my heart. On them it rested.” ~ Augustine

“Tears are healing. They help to open and cleanse the wound. Grief is a form of validation; it says the wound mattered.” ~ John Eldredge

As much as my heart prefers to celebrate and sing a joyous song, I’ve come to a place of befriending grief and sadness. Sorrow cannot be satisfied without it. Giving us emotions was all a part of God’s grand design when He lovingly fashioned us.

I haven’t always understood or embraced my emotions. Tears have often betrayed me by springing forth sometimes at the most inopportune times, in public places no less. But there’s beauty in that, isn’t there? Being raw and uninhibited is something that comes easily for a child. Then we grow up and try to hide things. Why? Sometimes life calls for raw emotions. Sometimes it happens in public places. And for that, I’m thankful because often times grief has been the open door to allowing others to come alongside me and support me on my journey. I’ve found that singleness can lead to becoming independent and forgetting that we need others. But it is in community that healing and wholeness takes place, tears and all.

I’ve often pondered can joy and sorrow mingle? There have been times in my life where I thought my joy had been stolen – gone in a flash, and I wondered if it would ever come back. Bucket loads of tears later, I actually felt the joy. But you know what – it was always there.

I like how Kay Warren defines joy:

“Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be alright, and the determined choice to praise God in every situation.”

Joy does not equal feelings. Sometimes happiness accompanies joy. Sometimes happiness is evasive even when joy remains. Joy is a settled assurance of God’s sovereignty. It’s this deep knowing that because God is Lord of my life, everything will turn out ok because He knows best and is working to that end. Even when I can’t clearly see how. Even when sad things happen.

It’s been a slow steady process for me, but over the years, God has taught me to grieve well. I’d like to share how he’s taught me specifically in regards to how to grieve a lost relationship – also known as a break up. It’s key to grieve in order to move forward and continue experiencing the abundant life God has for each of us. So here we go – 9 practical steps to letting go.

1. Let the tears come, no matter where you are and for however long they flow.
2. Go to God with your questions, and once you’ve asked every question on your mind, end the questioning session by surrendering your lack of understanding. Sometimes it’s God’s protection to not tell us the “why.” He’s trustworthy.
3. Verbalize your pain to trusted friends and family as well as to God. Staying in a community of trusted loved ones who will support you, love you, and help you process while always reminding you of the truth is so important to receiving healing to your hurting heart. Journaling your thoughts to Jesus is also a good way to process pain.
4. Declare the truth and God’s promises over your life even in your darkest moments and especially when they don’t feel like they are true. Speaking the truth out loud shatters the power of the bombarding lies.
5. Ask God if your heart has gotten out of alignment in the journey of dating. If it has, it’s time to realign your heart with God’s heart by putting Him and His ways first. Say “yes” to the journey of God’s best for you even if it means pain is involved.
6. Ask God if you have any offense in your heart towards the person you dated. If so, forgive the person you were dating for anything that he/she did to hurt you. For details on how to forgive, see my blog post “How Do I Forgive?”
7. Ask God to identify any unhealthy ties you had with the person you were dating. If He reveals something to you, sever the ties through prayer. It can be a simple prayer like this, “Jesus by the blood you shed on the cross, and by your grace given to me, I’m choosing today to break off this unhealthy tie of (name the unhealthy tie if you know what it is) with (insert name of person). Jesus, cleanse me and make me a new creation in you.
8. Release the person you were dating to God and bless him/her.
9. Thank God for the season during which He brought that person into your life and for accomplishing His purposes through that relationship even if you don’t understand God’s purposes. God wastes nothing.

Remember, all the tears you shed are healing tears. I believe grief is a gift. Embrace it and watch how God brings beauty from ashes – that’s what He specializes in after all. Weeping may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning (see Psalm 30:5). I think the song, Beautiful Things, sums it up pretty well. Check it out here.